This semester has been a roller coaster. More and more I find myself drowning under the weight that is piled upon me. I feel like how I can only assume Atlas feels, carrying his yoke, all the while wishing it would crush its bearer. I am continuously reminded of all that I have left to do on this journey I have chosen. The next resulting thing is a question, one I have pondered late into the night, like tonight; “What the hell am I doing here?”
Tonight as I asked that question to myself I began to read Isaiah, chapter six. Here I am presented with Isaiah having a vision of the throne room of God. I am given two different reactions to the presence of God. Isaiah sees the seraphim before him, glorifying and praising their God. They say to Him, “HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, is the LORD of host, the whole earth is filled with his glory!”
I love how this sounds in the original Hebrew:
קָדֹ֧ושׁ קָדֹ֛ושׁ קָדֹ֖ושׁ יְיָ צְבָאֹ֑ות מְלֹ֥א כָל־הָאָ֖רֶץ כְּבֹודֹֽו׃
qädôsh qädôsh qädôsh [Adonai] tz’väôt m’lo khäl-hääretz K’vôdô
And then Isaiah gives his response to the presence of God. “Woe to me! For I am destroyed! For I am a man of unclean lips and I am living among a people of unclean lips! For my eyes have seen the king, LORD of hosts!”
Too often I follow Isaiah when presented with God and his plan for me. I am destroyed, for I am a man of unclean lips. I am not smart enough! I am not capable! I am not able to fulfill all that you have planed for me! I am a sinner! I am ‘so mean that in remembrance of my mortality, I mayest say to corruption, “Thou art my father,” and to the worm, “Thou art my sister”’ I see God’s glory and the possibility of an abundant life because it is centered around Jesus Christ and I shudder. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?
I forget about the provision of the Lord. I forget His promises of love and forgiveness. I forget that the LORD God condescended to Isaiah and a seraph flew down to him and touched a hot coal to his lips and told him; “Look! This has touched your lips and has removed your guilt, and your sin is annulled.” I forget that ‘in Christ thou art so honored that thou canst say to the Almighty, “Abba, Father,” and to the Incarnate God, “Thou art my brother and my husband.”’
The Lord God then says “Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?” Because Isaiah’s sins are cleansed and he is made right in the eyes of the Lord, he is able to respond;
I am here! Send me!
Sometimes I forget, that is why I am here. I am here because the only response that I know of to God’s grace and provision, and his forgiveness and love is the phrase “I am here! Send me!”
I have dedicated my life to spurring others on to a deeper relationship with Christ through discipleship, being intentional with my relationships, and by humbly seeking after the deep things of God and teaching others what I have learned. And I, like St. Peter, know of no where else to go and know of no one to go to. For Christ has the words of eternal life and I believe and have come to know that He is the the Holy One of God. I am convinced that he will provide manna for me while at seminary.
Sometimes I just need a reminder.